“Wait, You’re Still Single?” Part Five: Do I Need an EpiPen?

6 Apr

I just need to know where some of these people come from. Some come from the school of no social skills, some come from their existing bed of matrimony and some come from their mother’s basement.

My friend stayed on me for two months so I decided to give it a try. Rolling my eyes the entire time I chose my five best photos and wrote a witty bio because deep down I already knew how this was going to go.

Sure enough, it wasn’t even the first full hour after creating my profile that I “swiped left” to about 45 people that I already knew (not “knew” in the Biblical sense, but well, you get it).

Then I hit the imaginary jackpot with 20 good matches in a row.

This might be fun after all,” I said to myself as a sexy silver fox who lived in Roswell popped up in my queue.

I wasn’t really sure if I should open with a compliment, a question, or a funny joke. I realized after his response I could have sent anything from a Bible verse to a bomb threat because he had his greeting on a copy and paste hotkey:

“How much can you fit down your throat? Up for a challenge?”

I reread his response three times to be sure I was not missing something. Nope. That is definitely what he wrote.

Has this worked in the past? Is he simply hoping for the best? Naturally I wanted to respond with some semi-flirty yet challenging banter then realized the level of disaster in which that would lead me.

So I responded:

“Hi Timothy (if that is your real name, I thought to myself…), While I am super impressed with your confidence level in the size of your penis, I have to ask, how do people normally respond? I’m not being a smart ass, I am being a psychology major. And while Lord knows I love a good flirty text, at least buy me some queso first.”

I hit send. Thirteen seconds later “Timothy” (if that is his real name) responded.

“Which Mexican restaurant Kari I can be there in ten? I really have a thing for redheads.”

“Actually that was a joke. I was making a point to at least try and treat the girl to something before getting to third base.”

“Oh, okay. It actually hasn’t worked yet.”


“Well, I take that back.”

Oh, dear.

He continued, “Once I hooked up with this girl and we didn’t even really talk. She just came over and got naked the second she walked in. It was awesome.”

“That IS awesome,” I replied.

The next few matches proved to be just as fulfilling. When I decided to actually meet some of these guys (you know, for the book), I knew I needed to start writing it all down.

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