The Legend of Cat Vest

28 Feb

Those who are married or dating seem to make it their mission to set single friends up no matter the cost.  For some reason they find it unacceptable that you are not in a serious relationship, even if miserable.  You could even say you’ve been on a recent date but they need to know WHY you didn’t elope that weekend.  What happened?  Was it the food?  His shirt?  Calm down.

They offer words of hope like, “When you DO meet Mr. Right you will love it.  We are basically just an old married couple now.  We come home and put on sweatpants.”

I’m sorry, but when I come home to my husband I will not be putting on sweatpants.

The award winning comments come from those who think they are doing you a favor by insisting on setting you up with a man that they would never date themselves.  It’s usually a “neighbor” (six neighborhoods over) or a “guy down the hall at work.”  When you ask if they would go out with the datee, they’ll respond, “Oh, well he’s not my type, but I thought you might be interested.”  This is the equivalent of saying that he has fifteen stray/rabid cats and/or enjoys taking photos of birds in the woods.

I love hearing that “it’s not too late for me to have children,” or I “shouldn’t worry about what society says about it” from someone that I barely know.

I had a client come in for a loan closing that I had not seen in three years.  She sent me a fax (insert emojis) that I thought had to be a joke.  In the body of the cover page she had written:

“Can’t wait to see you later this week!  Are you married yet?  Everyone was wondering!  Can’t wait to hear about it!”

Who was everyone?  I had so many questions.

Her closing day arrived, and I went out to greet her in the lobby.  She stopped mid-conversation with her clients, dropped everything on the ground, and rushed towards me.  I held out my hand to shake hers, and she grabbed me by the arms, spun me around and yelled,

“OH, MY GOSH. Kari!  You look way better than I thought you would!  When you told me you were not married I didn’t know what may have happened to you!  But I’ll let everyone know that you look great.”

Again, the alleged “everyone.”

This was coming from a person that had on Mom Jeans, what appeared to be a fresh perm, and a sweater vest with a cat on it who was also wearing a sweater.  And some glitter.  Possibly left over from an earlier (and most likely failed) Pinterest project.

“Kari, are you 40 yet?”


“Well, you still have time to pop a few kids out.”

Pop a few kids out?  What are they, wardrobe malfunctions?  There was an awkward pause, so she continued,  “I mean, if you want to still.”

More awkward silence.

“I don’t really know what you want to do, but you can if you do.”

I asked, “If I do what?”

She said, “Want to.”

“Want to what?”

“Have kids,” she replied.

What I wanted to do was move on because her clients were sweating and I couldn’t think of anything else to talk about other than try to explain in 15 seconds or less how I love kids but just don’t happen to have any right this second.  Thus, I began to pray.  “Lord, it’s me.  Listen, I’m sorry I gave that woman the bird this morning in traffic.  Help me please faint right here in this lobby so we can change the subject.”

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