Some of the girls began to gather around and one asked to touch my toenails.

“Wow!” one of them said. “My mom would never let me do that! It’s like the girls on that soap opera she watches on the Spice channel.”

I have also successfully avoided cooking classes for 40 years. These are all great feats, and I can only pray my life continues in this direction.

I was super excited because while $200 for 6 drinks is a great tip no matter what year it is, this was 1996 and I was 17 so you do the math.

She glared over at her and loudly inquired, "IS THERE ALWAYS A LOUD WOMAN AT EVERY BAR?!"

Girls all across the place were screaming with delight and ripping each other’s shirts and nails off.

It was time for me to play school, and the dogs were going to be the students (reminder: I’m an only child, it was either them or the Barbies and it was a nice day out).

I wondered how it took me that long to figure out what a Pantini was.

Hey, Lady! Are you looking for a way out? If so, now is your chance! This is what I was trying to speak to her silently through my mind but she was not paying any attention to me.

The moral of the story? Don’t put lotion on while naked in front of your giant windows.

“Actually that was a joke," I replied. "I can buy my own queso.”

11. The guy that you cannot quite figure out if he’s gay or just a good listener, so you say, “Sooo, who are you into? I want to set you up with someone - one of them is myself and the other is my trainer, Fabio.”

I wanted to ask everyone if they thought we were creating a bad MTV series that would never get picked up.

It was a walk of shame, of sorts, to be escorted with twenty 30 year olds out of a go cart track in Destin, Florida.

“We’ll be celebrating Hef’s birthday tomorrow night and I wanted to put you three on the VIP Guest List.”

I suddenly felt like we were at a bad frat party. But not a real fraternity, more like a pretend fraternity that Craig made up when he didn’t get into a real fraternity.

There was so much blood that I began to wonder if sharks would surface and surround him.

Within a mere four seconds, I saw a glass of wine sailing through the air, the stripper’s chair getting knocked over (with her in it), and a security guard, which I didn't realize we had, rushing in with two walkie talkies.

I think everyone that worked there smoked. Sometimes I even smoked just to go sit in the gazebo for 10 minutes every hour.

I popped that mint in my mouth and prayed I did not catch anything.

I try and be tolerant of other personalities but it is hard when every day for six years you watch someone let their dog take a shit in your yard while puffing on a cigarette and staring into your window.