Fake Frat Parties & Quacking Man Ducks

Countless stories exist of how it is always the goal of a married person to set up their single friends with anyone and everyone that they know who is also single.

My friend Stacy had a co-worker that INSISTED on setting Stacy up with her nephew. She explained that he could “talk to just about anyone” and was convinced they would get along great.

One night he called and invited Stacy to Taco Mac to watch a game with he and his friend Dan. Off “we” went into the Danger Zone.

We walked into the lobby and saw who we believed to be them sitting at the bar. This was 2003 so we had not quite learned the beauty of social media stalking. So far it looked harmless, minus the popped collar. Then he opened his mouth.

"Girls! OVER HERE! This way! See us? Here! Here!” He began waving his hands in the air frantically as if he were in the ocean being chased by a shark. 

“Girls! Hey! Hi there. Over here. This way. I’m Craig.”

“Hi Craig.”

His friend held his hand out and said, “Hello ladies, I’m Dan.”

I reached out to shake his hand and replied, “Hey Dan, I’m...”

Craig’s voice erupted, "That's Super Dan to you!"

I suddenly felt like we were at a bad frat party. But not a real fraternity, more like a pretend fraternity that Craig made up when he didn’t get into a real fraternity. All I can say is, thank God for Super Dan.

We sat down and began to listen to Craig's bad jokes and obnoxious voice. Finally Super Dan and I were engaged in a semi-normal conversation about 98 Degrees versus N Sync.

All of the sudden Stacy grabbed my arm and whispered violently, “Kari, I think you need to go to the bathroom. Actually, I do, but I don’t know where it is.”

We walked to the restroom, "This guy is an idiot.  How in the world do we get ourselves into these situations?"

"I have no idea," I replied, "and I did not get us into this situation."

We walked back to the table to hear Craig’s voice bellowing down the aisle, "Hey! What? Wow! Yes, everybody! They're back! And they’re with us!"

He stepped out into the aisle and held his arms up in the air like he was about to do a cartwheel.

"How was it ladies? Everything come out okay?" He paused waiting for a reaction, "What? Wow! That just happened...right?  Am I right? Huh? Ha!"

All the people around us looked at him as if he were a martian. 

"Here, ladies," he said while patting our chairs and rubbing his hand on the seat sensuously, "Have a seat and let's pick up right where we left off. Whoa! Don't want to miss a thing. Aerosmith! Get it? What did we miss?"

“In the bathroom?” I asked.

Then we all just sat there staring at each other. All of the sudden Stacy's phone rings and it was her mother. 

"Let me get this," she said, "It's weird that she's calling me this late."

I grabbed someone else’s waitress and ordered three shots.

As she began speaking to her mom, Craig shoved his face into the phone, "Hey Mom!! Wow! How are you? I can't wait to meet you! Whoa! Have you heard about us yet? What? Yes!"

He looks over at me and at the same volume says, "Has she told her Mom about our relationship yet?"

I asked, "What relationship?" but he wasn't listening to me anymore. He began telling another story and strutting back and forth, quacking, and flapping his arms like a duck. We knew at this point that it was time to go, even without the shot. If we sat there any longer, we may indeed be asked to leave. And it wasn't even our fault this time.