Sneaky Kiki: The College Years

I had no idea how much fun college was going to be until I got there.  No one ever told me that it was possible to party 8 nights a week and make really good grades as long as you put forth SOME effort, and let your teachers flirt with you.

It was frat party after regular party at Valdosta State University. South Georgia doesn't have much to offer besides the social scene, and since that's my favorite scene it worked out like Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

There was a bar that would play old school hip hop every Wednesday night. The owner did not like to let underage people into her bar.  I found this interesting since the people that made up the majority of her business were under 21. The people that actually were 21+ had already transferred to a different college since this one was boring after a year and a half.  The bouncer let us in every time. 

There was one week that things did not go as planned.  Pam, Carole Anne, Bethany, and I paraded in like normal. I noticed that there were several security guards on the stage. Suddenly I was blinded by a flashlight in my face.  A massive bear-ox-human resembling K-Ci or Jojo's bodyguard stared at me, then motioned for me to come to him.

Whether or not I peed in my pants doesn't matter, but I grabbed Pam and we ran to the bathroom.

"What is wrong with you, why did you pull me away from ‘Hypnotize?’" she asked. 

“Give me your shirt!” I said as I started to take mine off in the middle of the bathroom.

"What am I supposed to wear, my bra?"

"No," I responded, "We are changing shirts.  That guy out there is going to take me to jail."

“What guy?”

Pam took off her shirt as instructed and we changed. I wiped off my lipstick, pulled my red hair over to the other shoulder, and we slowly walked outside to the dance floor again, thinking we were somehow now in disguise. Or thinking that the security officer would have forgotten about this whole situation when we closed the bathroom door in his face. He was standing in front of the only exit door with his arms crossed like he was on a mission. There was no way out.

I scanned the room for someone I knew. I saw Grant so I walked over and began to brainstorm while also figuring out how I could never let my parents find out about this.  

“Grant,” I mouthed through the loud music. “Get over here!” I motioned for him to come stand behind a column with me. 

“Hey! Want to dance?”

“No! I cannot dance at a time like this. I need you to go walk the entire perimeter of this place and see if there is another way out besides that main door.”

Grant was NOT listening to me, and dancing in place while I was talking.

“What?” he yelled.

“Forget it. Where is Ryan?” 

“Tryin’? Tryin’ to what?”

“You are not helpful,” I mumbled under my breath as I looked around for a door that I prayed had magically appeared in the last 20 seconds. My time was getting short.

I looked around and pressed my back against the wall and scooted over to Ryan. He saw me and came over to the corner.

“Are you okay?! Did you hurt your leg??” he yelled, spilling Natty Light down my (hurt) leg.

“No. I need you to find a way out now. If not, I think I’m going to jail.”

I noticed that JoJo's bodyguard had turned around for one moment, so I jetted toward the door to escape with no explanation.  As soon as I got about three feet away, he began to turn back around. I did a quick squat and leap, sat next to a total stranger at the bar, and grabbed the cigarette out of his mouth.

"Be cool," I said as I began smoking his gross cigarette.

"What?" he asked.

"I just need you to play it cool man, just like in the movies."

He rolled his eyes and pulled out another cigarette.  As I glanced across the room to try and locate my friends who were MIA, I heard Carole Anne explaining to someone how they were not singing a Master P song correctly.

"No!  I told you, it's 'Uhh...uhhh...Il na na na, Il na na na,' not ‘Umm..  Ummm---phenomenon, phenomenon.'  That doesn't even make sense!!" she yelled.

"Carole Anne!" I exclaimed, "Come HERE!"

"Where have you been?!  Everyone has been looking for you!"

"Have they?" I said as I pointed toward the dance floor, "because I see everyone out there and no one is looking for me."

Suddenly, I felt a heavy hand on the back of my shoulder. My stolen cigarette had fallen out of my mouth and into my neighbor's drink. I knew the end was near. I was going to have to spend all of my graduation money on bailing myself out of jail and paying off the local news so my parents who lived four hours away in Atlanta would not find out about this debacle.

"Are you Kari Green?" said the voice of Sean Connery.

"Yes sir," I ashamedly admitted.

I slowly turned around to see the face of the man who was about to throw me into a cop car. I already had my speech and closing argument planned. But wait, I thought, how did he know my name?

"Someone turned this in last week," he said as he handed me my driver’s license.  "Have a good night and you girls be safe. And you know what? You shouldn't smoke. It's gross."