Do I Need an Epipen? {The Chronicles of Online Dating: Part One of Who Knows}

I just need to know where some of these people come from. Some come from the school of no social skills, some come from their existing beds of matrimony, and some come from their mother’s basement.

My friend stayed on me for two months so I decided to give it a try. Rolling my eyes the entire time I chose my five best photos and wrote a witty bio because deep down I already knew how this was going to go.

Sure enough, it wasn’t even the first full hour after creating my profile that I “swiped left” to about 45 people that I already knew (not “knew” in the Biblical sense, but well, you get it).

Then I hit the imaginary jackpot with about 10 good matches in a row.

“This might be fun after all,” I said to myself as I matched with a sexy silver fox who lived in Roswell.

I wasn’t really sure if I should open with a compliment, a question, a funny joke...the options were endless. I realized after his response that I could have sent anything from a Bible verse to a bomb threat because he had his message on a copy and paste hot key:

“How much can you fit down your throat? Up for a challenge?”

I reread his message three times to be sure I was not missing something. Nope. That is definitely what he wrote. I toyed with my response for a while, and at this point I was highly intrigued at this...well, for a number of reasons.

Has this worked in the past? Is he simply hoping for the best? Naturally I wanted to reply with some semi-flirty yet challenging banter then realized the level of disaster in which that would lead me.

So I wrote:

“Hi Timothy (if that is your real name, I thought to myself…), While I am super impressed with your confidence level in the size of your penis, I have to ask, how do women normally respond? I’m not being sarcastic, I am being a psychology major and soon to be famous comedy writer. And while Lord knows I love a good flirty text, at least buy me some queso first.”

I hit send. Thirteen seconds later “Timothy” (if that is his real name) responded.

“Which Mexican restaurant - I can be there in ten? I really have a thing for redheads.”

“Actually that was a joke," I replied. "I can buy my own queso."

“Oh, okay. It actually hasn’t worked yet.”

Shocker.

“Well, I take that back.”

Oh, dear.

He continued, “Once I hooked up with this girl and we didn’t even really talk. She just came over and got naked the second she walked in. It was awesome.”

“That IS awesome,” I replied.

"Can I be on your show?" he asked.

The next few matches proved to be just as interesting. When I decided to actually meet some of these guys (you know, for the book), I knew there would be more to come.