I'll Just Pee Into This Blanket And Deal With It Later
I'll just pee into this blanket and deal with it later. This was an actual thought that crossed my mind Monday night when I couldn’t even stand up.
If you have never pulled your back so badly that you cannot stand up, I highly do not recommend it.
I can laugh about it now because everything is “fine,” and I just wanted to share the timeline of the last three days so everyone knows I’m not hiding in my condo because I’m being lazy and wearing pj’s and taking muscle relaxers all day like any good local celebrity.
In fact, today, when I ordered food from across the street to be Door Dashed (is this an action verb?), and my concierge called to let me know I had a delivery (from across the street), I went into an entire dissertation (on his speaker phone for the entire lobby to hear), that I was “doing better with my back and just can’t walk very far yet so that is why I ordered food from across the street to be delivered via Door Dash.”
He sounded slightly interested, and asked if I needed anything, and I replied, “Not at this time, but I will definitely let you know.” I was hoping he could bring me my mail and packages, but I’ll shuffle down there and get those tomorrow.
I wonder if all the people in all the condos in all the buildings across the street (who BTW need to take down their trees) have been watching me and wondering how a beautiful and seemingly funny girl like me could go days on end with only one shower a day, one ponytail a day, no makeup, and working in bed and then reading in bed after working in bed and still look this good?
“Don’t you have a television, Kari?” they might ask. “Don’t you want to watch that show you always talk about, ‘The Mindy Project?’”
“Yes, sir, I do have a television, and unfortunately, my couch is too low for me to get onto right now.”
It all began on a wintery Monday morning. I had just gotten out of the shower and decided to put lotion on my legs in my living room. As I was doing this, I realized maybe I should not stand RIGHT in front of the window. Then I realized I should probably care more, and didn’t, then decided to just play it safe and make my parents proud and go back into my bathroom for this task.
I leaned over to grab the lotion, and then BOOM. That was the actual sound I heard from my back. I tried to stop it, it was too late, I could not stand up straight. I hobbled over to my bed and wondered what the next ten minutes would hold.
Fast forward to Monday night/Tuesday morning in bed, around 2am, I woke up to go to the restroom, and I could not even move to attempt to stand up.
What do I do, I thought? I can drag myself. Nope, I can’t. I can hold onto the wall. Nope, that didn’t work either. The feeling in my bladder was intensifying, and I realized I had about 30 seconds to make a game time decision. I had an extra blanket on my bed for the first time ever, and was at the point where I said aloud, “I’ll just pee into this blanket and deal with it later.” NO KARI! Get it together, I thought. “Just pee on the floor and deal with that later.” EWW! NO! That is even grosser. Get to the toilet! Or hang it off your 21st floor patio! Think fast!
So I army crawled across my counter and made it to the toilet which I could not sit on, but had to pull my famous Gas Station Hover (IYKYK), and hoped my pee actually landed in the toilet.
What do I do at 2:20am? Should I call 911? No, it’s not really an emergency but it sort of is. So I decided to drink no more water or think about water until I could text my dearest and most beautiful Nurse Practitioner BFF, Robyn Zercher, to see what in the world I should do. I felt that 7:00am was an appropriate time to text her.
Promptly the next morning, I was administered a steroid shot, an anti-inflammatory shot, among some other prescriptions that over the course of a few days have helped tremendously. I am now at the point where I can stand up and not cry! It’s great! I stand up and cry from relief now. PTL for 2U Medical!!!
Ok, enough of this yammering. The moral of the story? Don’t put lotion on while naked in front of your giant windows. But to quote Dawn Archer Green, Shake What Ya Mamma Gave Ya. So there, Mom, I blame you for this. (Just kidding, Mom, I love you. I'm the one that makes bad decisions. We can talk about those another time).
