Smoky & His Guinness: The Story of How To Completely Offend Everyone On New Year's Day
Had you asked me what I accomplished on the first day of 2022, I doubt you would imagine that I was an accomplice of sorts, in sending a short, pasty, baldheaded man to jail.
The guy next to me seemed weird enough as he placed his Guinness on the ground after the server brought it to him. He told his petite Vietnamese girlfriend to do the same with her martini after he finished shoving his head into her armpit like a dog who wants to be petted (and normally I do not describe people by their race, but this will make sense later).
“Hee hee hee,” she giggled, “I don’t think I can get down that low!”
“I’ll be right back,” he replied, as he hopped over the gate to stand outside the “non-smoking patio” to smoke.
What kind of weird @$$ relationship is this anyway, I wondered, as I waited for Robyn to get off work and come meet me for lunch.
It was a gorgeous day on January 1, and everyone was out and about enjoying patio hopping in Buckhead.
After watching this guy abandon his girlfriend and hop from one sidewalk bench to another, then try to pet a stranger’s dog (who’s owner quickly pushed him away as he lit another cigarette into it’s little puppy face), I happened to “exchange glances with” the couple next to me.
Duke, April, and I became fast friends. They invited me to slide over one outdoor barstool closer to them so we could chat.
Smoky strolled up to us, slammed the chair I had just gotten out of back into the bar, and put his arms around their chairs.
Duke said, “Hey man, if you’re gonna get this close, you need to put your mask on.”
April immediately pulled her phone out to video him, and I pulled mine out to video them.
Smoky continued, “Listen guys, I just want to smoke my cigarette in peace…my Dad is a doctor, and I grew up very privileged. I'm white. And I want you to know that Black Lives Matter to me.”
Here we go, I thought, as I heard the table behind me telling the server that Smoky had been offending people at every table all day.
Smoky went back to look for his girlfriend. I checked the floor to see if she was down there with the Guinness. She came back from the bathroom, still giggling.
Hey, Lady! Are you looking for a way out? If so, now is your chance! This is what I was trying to speak to her silently through my mind but she was not paying any attention to me.
Eventually Smoky came back and got rowdy with Duke, accusing him of selling drugs because he was from South Phillie and black. Clearly, the only logical career that could hail from all of this is being a drug dealer.
Before excusing him from our area, Duke asked Smoky where his girlfriend went. He reported that she left because he was “weirding her out.”
“Interesting,” I muttered.
Smoky jumped back over the gate to stand right in front of us and smoke again. Since I felt “we” had bonded over his declaration of love for my black friends, and that he had certainly met his cigarette quota for the day, I said, “Hi, Sir, if you don’t mind, can you please step over there to smoke? It’s just blowing, like, RIGHT in my face and it’s sort of...”
Suddenly, Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr. Hyde, and he ripped his hat off and yelled, “I don’t F*CK**G care what you think, you STUPID WHITE SOUTHERNER!”
Well this escalated quickly, I thought to myself.
He became completely offensive at this point, using terms and yelling things I dare not type, I'm classy (sometimes!).
I stood up (I felt very empowered as if David had just handed me his slingshot), “You know what? I don’t care that you don’t care, and it’s time for you to go.”
Duke and his Manners “strongly encouraged” him to not speak to me in that tone, and out came the manager and security. Smoky looked back at us and yelled, “AND YOU KNOW WHAT? BLACK LIVES ACTUALLY DON’T F*CK*NG MATTER TO ME!” (again...insert completely offensive language and terms here).
I heard “Bad Boys” imaginarily playing in my head as this D+ Lifetime meets MTV movie was being created before our very eyes. In slow motion, I saw security take him over to the sidewalk while the cops came to talk to him. He lost his mind on them, punching one of them repeatedly in the arm.
He yelled terms including but not limited to “Pigs,” “Oink Oink,” “BLM,” “Smoking,” “Asian Girlfriend,” “Irish Food,” “Backpacks,” and more. I didn’t see any of that going well for anyone.
They dumped the aforementioned backpack out on the hood of the patrol car and began confiscating all the drugs that were inside of it. Off he went in the back of the car. The entire patio stared in disbelief.
The girl behind me came up and stood next to me for a minute or so, looking toward the patrol car. Then she whispered, “What a crappy way to start off his first day of 2022, am I right?" She paused and looked at me then asked, "Also, should we go look for the petite Asian woman?”
