Hey, Lady! Are you looking for a way out? If so, now is your chance! This is what I was trying to speak to her silently through my mind but she was not paying any attention to me.

The moral of the story? Don’t put lotion on while naked in front of your giant windows.

“Actually that was a joke," I replied. "I can buy my own queso.”

11. The guy that you cannot quite figure out if he’s gay or just a good listener, so you say, “Sooo, who are you into? I want to set you up with someone - one of them is myself and the other is my trainer, Fabio.”

I wanted to ask everyone if they thought we were creating a bad MTV series that would never get picked up.

It was a walk of shame, of sorts, to be escorted with twenty 30 year olds out of a go cart track in Destin, Florida.

“We’ll be celebrating Hef’s birthday tomorrow night and I wanted to put you three on the VIP Guest List.”

I suddenly felt like we were at a bad frat party. But not a real fraternity, more like a pretend fraternity that Craig made up when he didn’t get into a real fraternity.

There was so much blood that I began to wonder if sharks would surface and surround him.

Within a mere four seconds, I saw a glass of wine sailing through the air, the stripper’s chair getting knocked over (with her in it), and a security guard, which I didn't realize we had, rushing in with two walkie talkies.

I think everyone that worked there smoked. Sometimes I even smoked just to go sit in the gazebo for 10 minutes every hour.

I popped that mint in my mouth and prayed I did not catch anything.

I try and be tolerant of other personalities but it is hard when every day for six years you watch someone let their dog take a shit in your yard while puffing on a cigarette and staring into your window.

I was too young to work at a strip club, so the country club seemed like my only option.

I think over the course of that evening I was an ER Nurse, a professor, and an astronaut.

She smelled like she’d been laying in a hot garbage can full of cigarette ashes for two years.

“Now, Kari, I know you hate stuff like this, and I didn’t say anything to him, but he really can’t wait to meet you.”

“OH, MY GOSH. Kari! You look way better than I thought you would! When you told me you were not married I didn’t know what may have happened to you!”

I was too overwhelmed by the thought of my body being found in the sewer drain the next day.

In the distance I heard a pack of dogs, growling and barking. I also heard a loud engine and a possible chainsaw. The sound got closer and closer.